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1994 – Arsenal win the Cup Winners’ Cup. Duran wasn’t born. But now he clings to it like he lifted the trophy himself.
1995 – Nayim lobs Seaman from halfway. Arsenal lose. Duran wasn’t alive, but still manages to say “we were unlucky.”
1996 – Wenger arrives. Arsenal fans start talking legacy. Duran doesn’t exist yet, but says “this was the start.”
1997 – Finish 3rd. Duran isn’t born, but somehow insists it was “a great transitional year.”
1998 – Arsenal win the double. Duran’s still imaginary. That doesn’t stop him from talking like he was there.
1999 – Lose the league to United. The treble begins. Duran still insists Arsenal were “technically better.”
2000 – UEFA Cup Final loss on penalties. Duran is 3 months old. Apparently “remembers it well.”
2001 – Trophyless. Duran, aged 1, apparently appreciated “the beautiful football.” Sure.
2002 – Arsenal win the double. Duran is 18 months old. Says it “meant everything to him.”
2003 – Bottled the league to United. Duran was 2. Thinks he saw it coming.
2004 – Invincibles. Duran is 3, watching Teletubbies, not Thierry. Claims he “remembers every game.” He doesn’t.
2005 – Vieira leaves. Arsenal lose their backbone. Duran upgrades from milk to cope.
2006 – Lose the Champions League Final. Duran’s first true trauma. It shaped him.
2007 – Trophyless. Duran says “we’re building.” No one sees the structure.
2008 – 5 points clear in March. Finished 3rd. Duran blames the weather.
2009 – UCL semi-final collapse to United. At home. Duran claims “we had more possession.”
2010 – Spotify launches. Arsenal fans stream Invincibles clips. Duran adds them to his playlists.
2011 – Lose to Birmingham in the League Cup Final. Duran posts “we move.” They don’t.
2012 – 3rd place. Duran calls it “heroic.” Everyone else calls it Thursday nights.
2013 – Another empty year. Duran calls it “underrated.” It wasn’t.
2014 – Beat Hull in the FA Cup. Duran says “we’re back.” From what?
2015 – Another FA Cup. Duran calls Wenger a genius. Finishes 3rd.
2016 – Leicester win the league. Arsenal don’t. Duran pretends “we pushed them.” They didn’t.
2017 – Win FA Cup. Finish 5th. Duran says “net success.” It’s net embarrassment.
2018 – Wenger goes. Duran posts a 14-slide tribute. Cries over a .jpeg.
2019 – Chelsea 4–1 Arsenal in Baku. Duran says “we learned a lot.” Mainly pain.
2020 – Win FA Cup. Duran calls Arteta “the second coming.” Arsenal finish 8th.
2021 – 8th again. Duran says “long-term project.” It’s a pothole with a plan.
2022 – Bottled top 4 to Spurs. Duran goes quiet for 3 days. Returns with “we’re cooking.”
2023 – 248 days top. No trophy. Duran says “we scared City.” City didn’t notice.
2024 – Another empty season. Duran posts training ground clips. Calls it “elite culture.”
2025 – Arsenal top the league in February. Duran starts measuring the Emirates for open-top buses. By April, they’ve bottled it again. He blames fixture congestion. And pollen.
2025 – SPURS WIN THE EUROPA LEAGUE. Arsenal Men win nothing. Again. Arsenal Women win the UWCL. Duran calls it “bigger than Europa.” Starts quoting Leah Williamson interviews and crying about equality. Claims he’s always supported Arsenal Women. Can’t name the goalkeeper.
